If only I had a time machine and could go back and tell Regan how completely natural motherhood is, and how much intense love washes over you when you hold that baby for the first time. *sigh* It's addictive! I could have ten kids. If we could afford a little household help, I would have pushed for baby #3. And #4...
The funny thing is, it takes a while to learn how to be a parent.
Thankfully babies are not forming lifelong memories as you stumble through the first year or two.
I am thrilled that Piper will not remember some of my fumbles.
There are days when I realize I have it totally in hand. The laundry is done, the kids are happy and playing beautifully together, sharing toys, and loving each other. Dinner is in the oven and will be on the table precisely at 5:00pm. I have a DVR with a new Good Wife, Downton Abbey, and Project Runway and can collapse on the couch with SuperHub when the kids go to bed.
Other days, I feel like a crash test dummy. I keep trying and failing, I keep resetting the scene and hoping for a different result. Those are hard days. Those are the days I go to bed feeling like a failure. I'm glad those days are rare.
The beautiful thing about kids is that they love you. They live in a world that revolves around you. You are their sun and moon. You are the center of their existence. When they fall, they want your kisses on their knee. When they feel vulnerable, they want your hugs. When they sit on the couch, it's glued to your side or sitting on your lap because they can't imagine not sitting close to you. It's beautiful. It's the absolute best.
They also have an automatic reset button when they sleep. Whether it be nap or nighttime, when they wake up, it's a new day. What an amazing way to live. No grudges. No guilt over yesterday or last week. It's a new day.
I am inspired by them. Piper is filled to the tip top with love. She oozes it. She cares about everyone she comes into contact with. I have a big heart but her heart just dwarfs mine. She is the most wonderful old soul. Liam is incredibly loving but in a softer way. He must smooch me 50x a day. Anytime I am not grinning, he comes up to me and says "Here's a smooch, Mom" and goes about his business. I pray he loves his wife so fully and will always be keen to her emotions.
One of the best parts of being a mom is not just teaching your children but learning from them. It's my favorite. I am inspired by their forgiveness that comes with no strings attached. Their living in the moment. Their devotion to each other. When I find myself being frustrated by them, I realize that most of the time my frustrations are because I'm too tired or I expect them to act like adults when they are just kiddos. I want them to be innocent kids for as long as humanly possible. What a gift!
That's when I'm glad to be a crash test dummy. I'm glad to be able to learn and reset. I'm glad I have so many chances to be their best mom. I want to not only be inspired by them, but inspire them one day. I want them to see my choice to put them first was a conscious commitment to them, and a decision to value them to the utmost. I want Piper to see that being "just a mom" is not only a real job, but the very best one. For Liam to see his wife as a valuable asset to their family. I want to inspire them to be crash test dummies and be proud parents to their own lunatics one day.
And then I will laugh when they see what it's like. Mwahahaha... :) I will laugh, but then I will snuggle and hug them even as adults. Because I'm their mom. And to them I'll always be SuperMom.
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