But, I have no home.
Recently, we have been working on planning a trip to my husband's hometown. He's from small town Montana, where he can still run into people at "the Wal-mart" that we ran into fifteen years ago. His parents still live in the house he lived in during his high school years. He can literally step back in time and touch base with his past. He can go to the Staggering Ox for a Nuclear sub and it will taste the same as it did when he was 17. My brain cannot comprehend what this must be like.
I've spent a lifetime looking forward and never back. Once we moved away from a place, that chapter was over and closed. I've never been a person who lived in the past. I never much saw any value in "going home" as I couldn't understand the draw. Now, as I watch my husband list the things he wants to do, places he wants to see and eat, people he hopes to run into, I am envious.
All the travel in the world cannot buy you that. I can never get it. I will never have a place I can go that ticks off those boxes. I have the place where I became a mother, Hawaii. The place where my strength was tested and my soul blossomed, Egypt. The first home I ever shared with my sweet hub, Washington D.C. The place where I had Liam, and raised our kids without Neal while he was deployed for a year, Tennessee. I have other things, yes. But I will never have "home".
It makes me want to chuck this whole military life of travel and excitement, buy a farm or a suburban house, and settle down. It makes me want to give our kids roots. The conflict is that I don't know what to do with roots. One of the reasons I can't garden or keep plants alive is that my life has always been temporary. This house in Korea is the first in my entire life with painted walls.
Change, I can do that all day long. Change is my wheelhouse. Retirement has always been something I feared and dreaded. Staying in one place for the rest of my life terrified me.
As always in life, I am starting to change my perspective. It's both exciting and scary. I am open to new ideas, new ways to live. And in the meantime, maybe I'll just enjoy watching my hub's eyes filled with excitement as the plane touches down. For this trip, I will borrow his home.
And just maybe, one day, I will have a home of my own.